Tina’s Mostly Humorous Mass Effect 3 Squad

The fate in the universe rests in their hands.... Not really.

If you follow me on Twitter it is no secret that BioWare totally owns my soul in the world of video games right now. Particularly with the Mass Effect series. Like many gamers I am eagerly awaiting the release of Mass Effect 3 so that I can take my badass FemShep and totally kick some Reaper butt. While some news of Shepard’s team made me happy, (Garrus! Tali! Liara!) not all of it was well received (Kaiden, Ashley, DudeBro McNewGuy.)

So I decided to assemble my own team, and they are FABULOUS.

Aria T’Loak: Did Omega’s stone cold matriarch grow a heart and decide to help Shepard save the universe? Who knows, but the Reapers better watch out, because we all know that NO ONE crosses Aria.

Feron: Not content to dwell in the Shadow Broker’s Lair while Liara rushes to Shepard’s aid, Feron decides to take matters into his own hands. After all, he owes Shepard his life, and he’ll never forget it.

Captain Bailey: Because everything is better with more Motherfrakking Michael Hogan. No seriously. Oh ok, FINE. Sick of C-SEC and not looking forward to his lonely life at his getaway retirement home, Bailey ditches the Citadel for adventure. And possibly getting his wife back, ’cause chicks totally dig heroes.

Conrad Verner: Depending on how you dealt with him in ME1 & ME2 Conrad is as eager as ever to blindly throw himself into danger, just ’cause it’s cool. His charity project was nice and all, but who are we kidding, it isn’t like SAVING THE UNIVERSE.

Khalisah al-Jilani: She possibly took one too many blows to the head to decide to team up with the Alliance news team and get front line coverage of the mysterious Reaper invasion. She’s going to get so up in your business, she could be working for TMZ.

The Rachni Queen: This one is glad you saved her race from extinction, and will make her children sing for you in battle. This one fits nicely into Normandy 3.0’s cargo hold and will piss off Udina, which is ALWAYS a good thing. If you didn’t save her in Noveria, for SHAME.

Now I know that BioWare has pretty much released all the squad info for Mass Effect 3, and I will miss some of the members of 2 that aren’t making it to the next round, I understand that they wanted to focus the story a bit more since this is the last chapter. I’ll still play, and if you’re lucky I will tell my FemShep’s story, complete with random yelling at characters and poorly drawn illustrations.


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